My Baby is Turning One and I’m a Bit of a Mess

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My baby is turning one…ONE.

I cannot even begin to express how quickly the year has zipped on by. This past month, I find myself holding my little guy just a bit longer, staring at him during the most mundane activities and kissing his little toes with full realization that they won’t remain tiny and sweet forever. I can’t help but feel both joyful yet disoriented while thinking about how quickly we’ve come full-circle. To think that it has been an entire year since the world was blessed with the arrival of our little man feels unreal.

Celebrating my guy’s first birthday brings a bag of mixed emotions. Joy, gratitude, and love are just a few. With this birthday, I also feel sadness. This isn’t necessarily the feeling I fancy the most, but the truth is, I am experiencing a bit of “empty nest” syndrome already and here’s why-

  1. Many of the major “firsts” have come and gone. Of course, these are just a handful of “firsts” that we’ll have the sheer joy of witnessing throughout his life. But the baby books are all about the first year. Literally, “that’s all she wrote”. It’s an end of a chapter which is also the end of the entire book. I’m just not ready.
  2. The idea of putting my breast-pump away makes me excited and emotional at the same time. I’m grateful for the chance to provide him with the nourishment of my own milk for the first year of his life, and I know that there could have been many hurdles that prevented it. The sheer emotional satisfaction of breastfeeding is irreplaceable. At the same time, having the extra hours back in my day as I cut back on pumping has certainly been a welcomed change. It is all quite bittersweet.
  3.  The toothless smiles, the little arching back, the tiny fingers that involuntarily wrap around my index finger. Those are moments that I will never have back with my little guy. I didn’t realize when it was the “last time”, but somehow, those moments came and went and I didn’t even know it.
  4. With every year that passes, it is one step closer to my baby needing me just a little less. It’s inevitable and I want nothing more than to have a well-rounded, independent young man as my son. But the thought of my sweet angel no longer looking at me like I’m a rock star (I know that day will eventually come) is crushing.
  5. The excitement of welcoming a precious angel into the world is untouched by anything else on this planet. Reality is that this could very well be the last “first year” our family will experience together. Each milestone with my baby feels slightly more emotional because I know that it may be the last…ever.

The fact is, my little guy is doing exactly what he’s meant to do. He’s growing. He’s exploring the world and shaping his own perception of the universe around him. He’s learning, loving, and bonding with his family. He’s taking little steps in the direction of his bright future. These are all reasons to jump for joy and any logical part of my brain tries to remind my heart just that.

Our beautiful boy has been the perfect addition to our krew and I cannot imagine my world any other way. His wrinkled-nose smile, his giggles, his little temper and big personality are endearing and heart-melting.

I could not be more proud of my sweet, little baby and our family for evolving over this past year. Yes, I have moments of sadness thinking about the commencement and closing of his first year. But I am grateful for all of the moments we’ve shared and mostly for choosing me to be his Mommy. I feel incredibly lucky.

Happy first birthday to my little guy!

Keep rocking the boat little dude. I love you with everything I’ve got. 

P.S.- Your Mom will always be a rock star. You just may not know it.

 

 

 

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